Temari's December
by Silatyr
Summary: Temari contemplates her life in Gaara's shadow... eventual TemariGaara (as in end of fic). Songfic to Linkin Park's My December. Sequel will be written and hopefully posted fairly soon.


Temari angst... you gotta love it. This is also for Kitia, who runs a Temari shrine called Sandstorm (temari . cjb . n e t). Check it out!  
  
Naruto is unfortunately not mine... (sniffs) ...because if it was, Temari would have a much bigger part, and Rock Lee wouldn't look so.. disturbing. Xx But hey- if anyone wants to sell it to me, I'd be more than happy! (laughs maniacally)  
  
Lyrics from Linkin Park's My December are in parentheses.  
  
(This is my December)  
(This is my time of the year)  
  
The sand was swirling slowly, capturing the village within a gossamer net as it danced through the streets with no heed for any passerbys foolish enough to be on the street at this time. Other places may have snow and hail during the winter, but here, the desert always triumphed. It was a decieving thing, the sandstorm... so beautiful as it twirled and spun. So fragile looking, wispy as a cloud. And yet... so dangerous. The sand was sharper than it seemed, and could cut through flesh with ease.  
  
(This is my December)  
(This is all so clear)  
  
Just like the lone ninja watching it.  
  
(This is my December)  
(This is my snow covered home)  
  
She probably wouldn't refer to herself as a ninja, though. The word was suited to missions, when she needed every last thing she could to seem strong while so many people watched her, waiting to see her falter. Hoping she might fall, just so they would be seen as stronger. But this wasn't a mission. This was just... her. Here. And as long as the sand kept her company, the particular Ôhere' didn't really matter. Sand never changed. Neither did she... a perfect match.  
  
(This is my December)  
(This is me alone)  
  
Right now, she was just a girl. A young girl, with the many uncertainties that seperated her from the others and forced her to be a ninja. Not just in fights, but in attitude as well... she had to be as cold and alone as the sand at night. Every particle danced together in their vicious storms, but only to be more deadly to anything in their path. The grains of sand hardly ever touched, and when they did, the force of the impact might destroy one of them. That was just how things were. That was just the way life was.  
  
(And I,) (Just wish that I didn't feel) (Like there was something I missed)  
  
You never got close to anyone. That was something that she had learned early on. It was easier said than done, but so was everything else in life. Always. Years might pass by, but some things never changed. She wouldn't let them now, even if they could... uncertainty was even more dangerous... wasn't it?  
(And I,) (Take back all the things I said) (To make you feel like that)  
  
She... "I... can't remember if it was ever different..." I almost jumped at the sound of my own voice. "I have to stop thinking about myself in third person." I know why I do it. I talk to myself to make it seem like I'm what they expect from a ninja. Calm. Cold. Those are words that don't allow for much feeling, and the easiest way to do it has always been to convince myself that there isn't a ME. There's just... a Temari. A name. No, not even a name- a label. A label for something to be refered to in the most remote of ways to convince it- her- that she WAS the label. That's all I am to my "brothers" - another label with no meaning - and all that anyone expects from me. I'm sorry that I ever started doing this to myself...  
  
(And I,) (Just wish that I didn't feel) (Like there was something I missed)  
(And I,) (Take back all the things that I said to you)  
  
And you know why? I'm sorry because it's turing me into what I swore I never would become. I looked at my soul in that same way that you look at everything, brother dear, and calculated its value, then sold it. To Them. Yes, you know ALL about Them, don't you...? They're always there, because They are everyone. Everyone we have ever seen. I sold away my own self to Them and let myself be moulded into what They wanted- a complement for you, a figure to make you seem more dangerous while never showing enough of a personality to take the limelight away from you, their most precious little killing machine. And I did it all for the mere CHANCE to be needed, even in the most twisted and menial way.  
  
(And I'd give it all away)  
(Just to have somewhere to go to)  
(Give it all away)  
(To have someone to come home to)  
  
If you think that I like my job, think again. Go out. Kill someone just to prove that we're strong, even though everyone already knows. Come home. Hide from the monster that I've inadvertantly made you into. Go to sleep and pray that I'll never wake up. I don't give a damn about any of this any more. Not about the killing. Not about being a ninja. Not about the fame, or serving my village. I stay for you. Yes, you, Gaara... I created you by shunning you as much as the others did. As the old saying goes, I've made my bed and now I've got to lie in it. I will always stay by your side, in the hopes that I may someday repair some of the damage I did.  
  
(This is my December)  
(These are my snow covered trees)  
  
That fear you see in my eyes so often, Gaara? It isn't fear of you, as everyone believes. It's fear of myself- fear that I'll manage to warp you even more than I already have. But I stay, in spite of it all. I love you, as seldom as it may show. The only one I hate is myself. You are my family. So is Kankuro, no matter how much he protests against it. I could not desert you... this is my place.  
  
(This is me pretending)  
(This is all I need)  
  
This is my place. This is my place. If only your eyes held something more than malice, this could be OUR place... but... no. This is and always will be my place, Gaara. I can never expect anything more when I always discouraged any sign of affection from you.  
  
(And I)  
(Just wish that I didn't feel)  
(Like there was something I missed)  
  
If only I hadn't pushed you away. Just a family's love could have been enough to make you more human... maybe. Maybe. But we'll never know, will we? Because I never was a sister to you, and now that my feelings have only grown, I cannot show them, for to do so would be to risk loosing you forever... and nothing is worth that price to me.  
  
(And I,) (Take back all the things I said)  
(To make you feel like that)  
  
I'm sorry, Gaara. For every time I ran away from you. I know how much it must have hurt. I can feel that now, every time that you look at me. You really do stare like a basalisk, you know. Your eyes are so dead, and I'm the one who killed them.  
  
(And I)  
(Just wish that I didn't feel)  
(Like there was something I missed)  
(And I)  
(Take back all the things that I said to you)  
  
If there's anything I can ever do to help you, you just have to ask... I'll always be standing in the darkest part of your shadow, just wishing for you to move - not so that others will respect me, but so you will notice me for once. Even a nod from you would be sufficient...  
  
(And I'd give it all away)  
(Just to have somewhere to go to)  
(Give it all away)  
(To have someone to come home to)  
  
Neither of us like the limelight. Could you ever live in the shadows with me? I think not... not now. That's why I've given up myself for you. Even the shadows are closer to you than the light is now. I'll stay there as long as you'll allow me to be so close to you, my dear Gaara.  
  
(This is my December)  
(This is my time of the year)  
(This is my December)  
(This is all so clear)  
  
As the girl pulled herself to her feet, her foot glanced against something; bending down, she realized that she had almost forgotten her weapon. "I guess that love really does mak you blind... doesn't it?" A soft shifting sound- she whirled immediately, but what she found was far from what she expected. "G-ga- gaara...  
  
(Give it all away)  
(Just to have somewhere to go to)  
  
The eyes were staring at her. It was the first time, really... Gaara generally stared through people instead of at them, treating them as below interest unless they were about to fuel his bloodlust. "Love." It was a statement, not a question, that issued from the redhead's lips. "I... I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were there, Gaara... I'll leave now if you want." Quickly spoken, as usual. "No." She turned to go anyway, too flustered at her discovery to obey. Then something stopped her right in her tracks.  
  
"Temari. Stay.  
  
(Give it all away)  
(To have someone to come home to)  
  
A command, except for the softened tone. "I came to find you. Stay. You avoid me now." A curious expression. "Explain." Even though the tone was harsh again, the curiosity still remained, along with something... something else lingering in the corner of the boy's eyes, just recently acknowledged but not yet strong enough to allow out.  
  
(Give it all away )  
(Just to have somewhere to go to)  
  
"You said something. Explain!" His tone was now frazzled; he was loosing control for what very well might be the first time in his life. "Temari! Tell me!" The girl stared in shock at her brother's outburst, before slowly walking closer to him. "Gaara, I...  
  
(Give it all away)  
  
It was now or never... and the only never that she could allow herself was to never lie to Gaara, no matter what the cost, so she flung her arms around him tightly, trying to say through her actions what she was afraid to put into words for fear of pushing him away.  
  
(To have someone to come home to)  
  
And as he buried his face in her hair, eyes slightly softened again, she realized that she just might now be in the shadows anymore...  
  
A/N: Yes, I will write a sequel, Kitia... just don't kill me! (Backs slowly away.) 


End file.
